Saying Goodnight to 2017

As we close out 2017, I'm looking forward while also reflecting back on this year. 

On Instagram I saw people posting their top 9 pics of 2017, and so I did an automated collage maker of mine. In looking at what was picked for me, it reminded me of something that kind of happened to me. Someone told me that I as a person seemed more interesting on Instagram than I do in person. While I wanted to brush that aside, it kind of hit at a core part of me.  For the most part my top nine shows my tension in life. I've gotten to experience much beauty and excitement, but something is missing in those nine.

As a photographer I enjoy making good pictures. Not just for the pictures sake, but in a way to tell about myself. I'm told I can be quiet, so I seek a way to speak in ways that go beyond just saying. Taking the person's evaluation of me, I took a step back from photography in some regard. Coincidence or God's timing, at the same time of my evaluation, I became friends with someone who doesn't care about being in pictures, and wants more to experience life in the picture, not so worried about being on Instagram. 

It's been a little difficult, but having a friend who seems more interested in being with you than just trying to think of a hashtag to suit you, it's become so impacting to me. Words can't express how much so. The idea of opening myself up in ways I've previously locked up, being seen as I am without a soundtrack or artistic spin, it's scary to me.

As a human, I'm flawed. As a man, I'm flawed. I have no filter to shade my day. I'm not black and white. I have no golden hour where at a certain time of day, I'm perfect in any angle. To walk in this is scary beyond scary.

Scary as it's been, it's been good. I'm slowly getting to learn to be me beyond how I want to be, to instead just be. Choosing a friend, to be a friend, instead of a photo, it's been life-giving.  

I suppose I couldn't hide forever. I've been found out. 

 Yet, I still carry my camera...